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Wednesday, January 12th, 2005
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3:06 am - Oh and by the way, one last thought
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The password on my LJ has been changed. I fucking dare you to mess with my life again, Rachel Turner.
current mood:  angry
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| Tuesday, January 11th, 2005
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11:51 pm
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I just wanted everyone to know that I did NOT make the last entry in this journal. TRINITY decided to read my journal, change my password, and post as me. How do I know this? The edit info page now lists her e-mail address as my contact information. Not the brightest candle in the box, now, is she? Well, I have made my case clear. I have slept with two members of the Rocky cast, they know who they are and that is their business. Brent and I are getting married as planned, Andy is HAPPY WITH A THIN, BEAUTIFUL, SWEET AND ATTRACTIVE GIRLFRIEND, and any further posts you find on this journal were not made by me, but by someone who is so miserable and jealous that even though she is in the state of ALABABA since she was evicted from our apartment she has to try and ruin my life since there is no love happiness or joy in hers. Do the world a favor, Rachel, cut deeper and horizontally next time.
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| Monday, January 10th, 2005
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8:21 pm - I know a secret...
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So, everyone who reads this journal has been askign me over and over, "Andy has a girlfriend?" "Who is Andy's girlfriend?" Well, considering he went to visit her today, and I have his permission to discuss her since a previously concerning party is no longer in the picture, I wil tell you.
Tomorrow
current mood:  satisfied
current music: I know something you don't know!
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| Saturday, January 8th, 2005
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11:10 am - I Love Passions!
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Why you ask? I present the following reasons for debate:
1)It's drama that I can't possibly ever be blamed for
2) The acting is so bad it convinces me that I will work in my field someday
3) The story is so over the top, it almost doesn't qualify as a soap opera, what with the witches and people getting sucked into Hell and the like
4)Gwen used to be played by a chick who went to my school and was in "Boys Don't Cry"
5) Passions shots
6) Since I'm currently waiting to hear from my latest job interview, it gives me something mindless to watch from 2:00-3:00
7) Brent can't bitch about me watching it because he watches wrestling
8)You can leave it alone for a month, come back and still be up to date on what's happening
9) ROBERT WAGNER plays evil Alister Crane
10)No matter how hard you try, no one (except Timmy, cause the actor actually passed away) ever stays dead!
So now you have my guilty pleasure, and my reasons for watching it. Anyone want to take it up with me? :-)
current mood:  bored
current music: Tori Amos, "Little Earthquakes"
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| Friday, January 7th, 2005
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1:54 pm - I hate money
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I hate money, I hate money, I HATE MONEY!!!! (Have I mentioned I hate money?)I got my last check from Hell today, and it was for $317 dollars. Not bad, right? Well, unfortunately, Willow has been throwing up everything she eats for the past day and we had to take her to the vet. Turns out she just has the stomache flu, poor baby :-(, but the visit was $132.25. That leaves me and Brent $185 to get through the week. Looks like I won't be able to afford to go to Florida for that audition now, even if I was sure I wanted to. I can't win.
current mood:  depressed
current music: Passions theme
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| Tuesday, January 4th, 2005
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11:57 am - New Year, New Drama
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Okay, so it has officially been 2005 for FOUR days, and all ready my inbox is clogged with Rocky Drama. It almost makes me glad that I haven't been able to go down to the show in a while, because as much as I've missed everyone, I'm so glad that I'm not privy to the latest cast director changes, arguments, attacks, ans what not. I do the show for fun. I go down, I put my best effort forward, and I have a good time while providing the same service for the audience. I THOUGHT that that was what the show was all about. Silly me, I forgot all about the politics behind the entire thing.
GRRR, it's very frustrating because these are (or were, not too many people seemed to care that I was sick) my friends, and I want to support them, but at the same time, I REALLY DON'T WANT TO BE DRAGGED INTO THIS!!!!!!! I am in no position of authority at the show, and I never wanted to be. Therefore, the authoritative and executive decisions should in no way shape or form be brought to my attention unless it dorectly involves me. That is what we call professionalism, kids. :-)
On a lighter note, one of my old teachers from AMDA (who unfortunately doesn't work there anymore) sent my name and info to this nationwide talent search called FashionRock. They are very interested in me coming down to Florida for three days and competing with 2,000 other people for some of the top names in the industry. The only problem is there is a $200 fee which covers hotel expenses, meals, press releases, and security. Basically, it's a convention fee, because this is a convention for casting directors, agents, modeling agency's, talent scouts, film and Broadway producers, and the guy who co-produces "Making the Band" with Puff Daddy. All I have to pay for is the convention fee and my airfare. Then, if I get any bookings, there's agency fee's, but che sera, right? Brent thinks I should go, but I'm not entirely sure because of the money thing. I mean, on one hand it's great exposure, and it will be on National Television. On the other, that's $200 (at least) less we're going to have this month. Can you really put a price on exposure?
Please, your comments and feedback on this one are VERY important. HELP!!!!!
current mood:  crazy
current music: Silence...the TV isn't working. Meh.
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| Saturday, January 1st, 2005
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2:14 am - Happy New Year!!!!!
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HAPPY NEW YEAR ALL!!!!!!
This day was okay, this evening was great. Went to Robin and Tony's New Year's Eve party with Brent, Andy and his girlfriend, and I am SOOOOO DRUNK!!!!! New Years resolution: Be less insecure. This should last 5 minutes... Goodnight all!
current mood: drunk
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| Thursday, December 23rd, 2004
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10:24 pm - Happy Holidays
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Merry Christmas everyone!
The Christmas cheer still hasn't hit me full force. I am praying that tomorrow night when I am sitting in a church with my parents, brother, and Brent that I willfeel something. I guess between being sick the last month, and all the drama that went down over the past six months to a year, I am feeling more of the holiday stress than spirit, but that's okay because a new year is starting that will bring joy. Why?
BECAUSE I AM GETTING MARRIED!!!!!
By this time next year I will either be Mrs. Brent Carter, or a little under a month away from being Mrs. Brent Carter. And somehow, that thought is comforting and brings around a tiny spark of Christmas joy. I love that man so much. He knows me so well. Perfect example: when our trim the tree party was about to fall to pieces (we couldn't afford a tree, and people were cancelling at the last minute) he called up every last one of the guests and talked them into bringing a cheap dollar store decoration. We now have a Christmas nook, instead of a tree, and our house is looking quite festive. As for the trim the (non-exsistant) tree party, well, it was a huge success and everyone had a ton of fun. And that's what this time of year is really about, isn't it? Bringing joy t your loved ones?
If it isn't, then BOY have I been doing it wrong for the past 23 years! Goodnight all, and happy holidays!
current mood: chipper
current music: Jingle Bell Rock
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| Saturday, December 18th, 2004
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12:28 am - Getting better
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Why is it that when things start to physically look up, the rest of your life starts to fall apart?
Good News: Only the lower half of my body is covered in new red spots.
Bad News: Half the people invited to the Christmas party last night (that cost me WAY too much money that I didn't have) actually showed up. The other half informed me they weren't coming half an hour after the party was scheduled to start.
Good News: Heather's Starbucks is hiring shifts starting at $10.25 an hour and she's pretty sure she can get me a job there.
Bad News: I am stuck in the house alone for the fourth weekend in a row.
Now I know that sounds trivial, but when I'm with people (one special person in particular)all the problems fade into the background. The minute I am alone, the sadness comes back.
Rome, Nikki (Andy's friend, SWEETHEART!!!) and I had drunk day today. We did "Passions shots" (take a shot every time they make a sexual innuendo, cut to commercial on a three sentence repetition, or changed scenes at a dramatic time, or talked to themselves; double shot for each time they were able to work the word passion, the title of the show, into a sentence that made sense) and after Rome left for work Nikki and I had some girl bonding time. I like making new friends, and she seems like a true sweetie who only had Andy's best interests at heart, unlike some other people who just thought about what THEY wanted and didn't even consider his feelings. I don't know, it was nice to be able to talk to someone who is walking the road of the reformed bad girl as well. Some things people just don't understand unless they've been there themselves.
Speaking of such, I got a letter from Renfrew center today asking for an update on my health. Since the ED is under control, I wrote them that I am doing much better. That is only half true. Even though I have gotten the physical aspect of my problem under control, the mental is still a factor. I still have major abandonment issues that haven't been resolved, and no matter how hard I try to put things in the past, they keep coming back to haunt me. Example: Trinity called tonight.
Do I want a reconciliation there? Is it worth it? I don't know. I know that once we were friends, but that I will never chose her over Andy. I know that I will never again allow her to make me into her scapegoat, and I know that no matter what she thinks or says, I am not reponsible for her eviction, her broken relationship with Andy, or her ruined friendships with other people at AMDA. I tried for as long as I possibly could to remain her friend while we resided under the same roof. But I will not let her blame me for her OWN problems and indiscretions. If she had listened to Andy when he said he didn't want to be with her, didn't want to talk to her, didn't love her, etcedera, I wouldn't have had to step in and break it to her gently. And if Andy had stood up and told her that it was his idea for her to move out and not mine, maybe she wouldn't have had so much animosity toward me in the end. I didn't force a choice on anyone, in fact I was going to remove myself from the situation so no one would have to choose. I'm not saying I am completely innocent, because it does take two people to end a friendship, but these are the things I know I am not guilty of. I can understand from her skewed viewpoint how everything could be interpreted as my fault, but only if the interpreter is hunting for someone to blame besides themselves.
I guess the conclusion I've come to is this; I am glad that for now Trinity is safe in Alabama and is hopefully felling better, but as far as a recnciliation goes, I don't think I'm ready for that yet. The wounds she left are still too fresh, they need time to heal before I open them up again.
current mood:  drained
current music: White Christmas
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| Wednesday, December 15th, 2004
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1:41 pm - Life summary in a few short sentances
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"Sandy, you need to get your act togeather." parents
"Sandy, the world doesn't revolve around you." brother
"Sandy, he isn't ready for marriage." brent's dad and stepmom
"Sandy, you're older, you should be thinking about those kind of things." josh a
"Sandy, somtimes men lie, and they don't even realize their doing it." co-worker
"Sandy, I shouldn't have listened to you." trinity
"Sandy, you ruined my relationship with Andy." trinity
"Sandy, why are you taking Brent away from me?" sarah s
"Sandy, you're such a bitch. You took Heather way from me." katie c
"Sandy, you'd be so beautiful if you just lost fifteen pounds." evan
"Sandy, look what you made me do?!" vinny
"Sandy, I want to believe you, but Vin said (fill in the blank.)" friends at home
"Sandy, I blame you for splitting up me and Josh" jane
For a long time, I've listened to the view the world has of me, and tried to take it to heart. From what I can gather, I am a fat, ugly, selfish, spoiled, pushy and overbearing bitch who just can't see beyond the end of her nose. Because of this image, so deeply implanted in my brain, I have tried and tried to be something else; I've tried to be sunny, sweet, funny, and understanding, to the point where I've been walked over and kept all of my anger inside for too long because I didn't want to be hostile or confrontational. I wanted to put what was best for the people I loved first, and apparently, all I've managed to do is wind up feeling depressed, unhappy, and lonely.
I am now going to talk about people and things that have affected my life. Please, don't take anything said here personally if you are mentioned, these are the feelings of an exceptionally sad person who just needs to vent.
Having posted the disclaimer, let me start with Jane. She was my best friend, but all I could do ever for her was serve as a buffer for her and Josh. I served so well, that pretty soon they were solely communicating through me. I hated it so much, and when I lost my temper, it ended my friendship with Jane.
Then came Missy. We managed to survive my break-up with her cousin, but not Vinny. Vinny hurt me more deeply that anyone else, because he didn't think it was enough for him to leave me broken and brokenhearted, he also had to spread rumers and lies and turn each and every one of my friends against me, including Missy. It's so hard to go home and have non one to introduce Brent to.
After Missy was Sarah. We never really were friends, because whenever I tried to be the situation with Brent would rear up. I tried time and time again to be her friend for his sake, but she would have none of it. She kept trying to hurt me, and succeeding in the process. I still feel hurt when I think back to the Brent, Sandy, Sarah triangle, because even though we weren't technically together, I felt like everything she did was deliberate and I also felt extremly betrayed.
Katie Crom was no different. She used me to get to Micki, and almost caused her to commit suicide. God, I hate myself every day for falling into her trap and for what I almost did to Micki, but I know she has forgiven me and it's all in the past. But I didn't take Heather from Katie. Katie drove Heather away on her own by insisting she do everything for her. In fact, I didn't end my friendship with Katie untill she started telling the world that Brent was only marrying me because I was pregnant (which I wasn't at the time.)
Then there was Trinity. All I was trying to do there was break the truth to her gently. When she said she was unhappy with Andy, I said maybe she should break up with him. I knew he didn't want to be with her. I knew he never wanted to be with her. I tried to tell her that as gently as possible, but she decided I was trying to come between them. Even when Andy told her flat out he didn't want to be with her, it was my fault. When Andy and Brent decided she should move out, that was my fault too. And through it all, I only lost my temper with her once; when she threatened to sue Andy and called me every dirty name from cunt to fucking whore, I told her that she was the only person in the house who got paid for it. Harsh I know, but I had had it, finally.
So, now I sit by myself in the apartment with too many things physically wrong with me to go to work, and I wonder just how much of what I've taken the blame for exactly is my fault. Because if I'm not taking the blame for everyone, I don't really know what my role is anymore. I've been the scapegoat so long, I can't find my own footing. The only person who has had faith in me from the beginning is Brent. Since I met him, I haven't had to be the scapegoat, I haven't felt like the problems of the world are my fault. He has given me the strength to stand up for myself and say how I feel, but I still feel guilty for certain things. There are several people I wish I could make amends with, but I've done my part. I;ve forgiven those people who hurt me so terribly in my heart, if not to their faces. If they want to make amends, they have to come the other fifty percent of the way. I am no longer looking for reconciliation where it is not wanted, because then I am being pushy and I don't want that. What I do want for the new year is peace of soul. Brent and I are going to get married, in spite of whoever doesn't want us to, and we are going to have a wonderful life. That's my Christmas wish this year. Any one have any ideas how to make it come true?
current mood:  contemplative
current music: Gone With the Wind theme
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| Monday, December 13th, 2004
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4:12 pm - GRRRR!!!!
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The verdict from the doctor is in; I have in the following order:
1)Strepp Throat
2)Bronchitis
3)Beginnings of shingles
4)End of fungal infection
5)Not enough money to pay for any of the medication.
She gave me the full perscription for the antibiotics in samples, which was nice, but the cream and stuff, well I still have to pay for that, somehow. Guess Sandy gets to stay sick for the time being. Oh, and apparently I'm not contageous, excpet to people who haven't had chicken pox yet, so it's back to the grind of work tomorrow as planned. Isn't being an adult fun! :-) Oh well, if this had happened to anyone else, it wouldn't be nearly as funny!
current mood:  blah
current music: Bill Cosby records (yes, RECORDS!!)
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| Saturday, December 11th, 2004
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10:51 pm - Being sick sucks
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I have now been sick with the same damn thing since the day before Thanksgiving. When I first went to the doctor, she thought that it was a fungal infection that was working its way through my system because a couple of people at work told me about somrthing like ringworm getting into the lockers. $165 later, I had a cream and antibiotics that were supposed to clear the whole thing up.
Well, when I get off the antibiotics, I break out even worse that I was when I was on them. I am now completely covered, head to toe, in red circles. I'm heading back to the doctor on Monday, but as of now she says it sounds like I have shingles, more commonly referred to as adult chicken pox. CHICKEN POX!!!! I am 23 years old, and stuck in my house miserable because of a case of the chicken pox. What the hell is that?! I think it's pretty damn funny, to be honest. I mean, life has been pretty good for the most part latley. But then again, Trinity did say she was going to get me or curse me before she left...
:-)
So, Brent and Andy have headed off to Rocky, and I'm here alone with the kitty, who has discovered the ceiling fan. She keeps trying to catch it, by sitting on the edge of my bed and watching it spin. Then, all of the sudden,WHOOSH! Up she jumps, to successfully bat at the pull chain on the fan, only to sprawl at my feet again. Ahh, the simple joys, right? :-) Well, I am going to take my probably chicken pox coated itchy ass into a baking soda bath. Hope all is well with everyone, I'll keep you posted!
current mood: giggly
current music: Mission Impossible theme
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| Sunday, November 21st, 2004
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9:15 pm - The Good, the Great and the WONDERFUL!!!!
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The Good: Sunday, November 21, 2004. Worked a five hour shift at MTNY and din't kill the guests who think they are soo funny when they ask you three to four times "Are you made of wax?" or the slightly attractive, strongly smelly French man who thought the way to my heart was saying in his thick accent "The word on the street is legs; can we spread the word?" Came home, fed the cat, cooked a roast chicken and garlic pasta for Brent's dinner, but got too hungry to wait for him to return, and updated my LJ for the first time in weeks
The Great: Saturday, November 20th, 2004. Spent the morning of my day off with Brent in our pj's feeding each other frozen yogurt and indulging in the 48hr Baywatch marathon (hooray for terribly wonderful tv and David Hasselhoff's ability to laugh at himself). Then, we got dressed up and went to Red Lobster for dinner amd saw National Treasure. Great movie, just wish I wasn't so tired through it. Gave Brent a special gift in the theater (use your imagination; if you're thinking dirty, get your mind out of the gutter because you're WRONG!!!) then came home and fell asleep in my baby's arms.
The WONDERFUL: Friday November 19th, 2004. Went to see "A Midsummer Night's Dream" at Friends Seminary starring Frankie, Tracey, Rie and Sharpie. Laughed till my sides were sore (seriously, I'm still feeling it today. Bravo, ladies)It was easily the best High School production I have seen in ages, and I was really proud of my girls. Funny, but I secretly enjoy the way the girls have adopted Brent and I as big brother big sister types. They really are sweet girls, and I think the only people beaming more than I was during that show were (possibly) the girls parents. I also met Rie's boyfriend and Frankie's boyfriend. They seem like good guys, from the little bit I've gotten to know them that is, and I'm really glad that Frankie and Rie have found guys that make them happy. They just better not hurt my girls, or their heads are mine!!!!
So it's pretty safe to say that life is much better since the trash was taken out of my apartment. And you can take THAT however you wish as well! :-)
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| Monday, November 15th, 2004
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7:53 pm - Busy Times at Bayonne High
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The Bayonne High School burned down when Brent and I were in texas. When did that happen? :-) Oh well, things have been so good since we moved back into the house that I almost think it's too good to be true. Two hundred plus pounds of trash were recently moved out of my house, and let me tell you I couldn't be happier about it. I have my car for the week, Heather and Chris (my future brother in law) came out last night, and tomorrow is Andy's big birthday bash. Plus, Rome has been the ideal roomate so far; he pays his rent on time and is otherwise never around. When he is, he's always fun, funny and polite. All in all we're all a lot less stressed and angry, and life is like the rainbow after the storm again. YEAH!!!! Wedding plans are going well, and next weekend we're going to Brent's Oma's house for some family time. Plus, we'll see Chris again then, and Oma is giving us some furniture. Hoorya for stuff we didn't find on the street! Right now, I am so happy, and I love my life.
current mood:  bouncy
current music: Evanessance
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| Saturday, October 2nd, 2004
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3:44 am - Here Comes the Sun, and Brad Says...
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IT'S ALL RIGHT, SANDY!
Ahh, I feel better now.
I don't like being the bringer of gloom and doom. There is a reason Brent calls me Sunshine, and that's because I like to bring light and joy to the people I love. It feels so GOOD to be able to do that again. What brought about this miraculous change of pace? Was it the weather? Nah, nothing that strange. Here's the answer, straight from the horses mouth:
BRENT AND I HAVE SET A DATE FOR OUR WEDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's official, as of December 2005, I will offically be Mrs. Brent Carter, the happiest woman in the world.
We actually got to spend some time together today for the first time this week because I've been opening all week and he's been closing, so things have been tense around the house, and I've been nervous about our up coming trip to Texas (where I'll meet his Dad, Stepmom, two other brothers and sister) not to mention the whole losing weight thing, it was so nice to hear him say as he looked deeply into my eyes "You're so beautiful." and "You will be my wife, come hell or highwater. I've never been more sure of anything than I am of that." followed quickly by "How did I get to be so lucky?" I truly am blessed with some wonderful friends and family, but the greatest gift God ever gave me was by far Brent Nicholas Carter and the love that we share.
So, the little black raincloud has shed it's last tear, and the Jersey Girl Sun is shinig brightly again. Bask in it's beams while you savor my messages to the world:
CHEER UP!
THINGS WILL GET BETTER!
LOOK TO THE RAINBOW!
and
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!!!!
How else will you ever make them come true!
Sleep tight all, signing off till the Bayonne computer is back up and running!
current mood: LOVE JOY PEACE!!
current music: The Beatles "Here Comes The Sun"
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| Saturday, September 25th, 2004
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2:08 pm
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Internet is down at our house again. Pity, I really wanted to reply to the annonymus posting on my live journal sooner. After my last posting, someone asked me if being a hypocrite came easy. All I can say is, if stating how I feel and doing what I need to do for myself and the people I love is being a hypocrite, then yes it does come easy. I'm not stupid,I have a pretty good idea who posted that remark, and posting things annonymusly on my live jouranl is very childish. If you have something to say to me, grow balls and say it to my face. Don't go to a place where you can hide behind your little mask and say whatever you want while thinking that everyone and everything is going to be hunky dorey to your face. I'm sorry things didn't work out the way you wanted them to. That's not my fault. Blaming someone else entirely for your problems is the mark of a sociopath. And what you're doing is just strengthening my case in why things didn't work out isn't it?
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| Friday, September 17th, 2004
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4:14 pm - Sick and tired of being sick and tired, and other things
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So I've been sick for the last few days, and today I'm starting to feel a little better.
Maybe it's because I've been out of work with a 102 degree fever for the last two days, or maybe it's because some immediate stress has been removed from my life, at leats temporarily. I don't know.
What I do know is that I'm not perfect, I'm no saint, and I'm sick of everyone expecting me to be. I'm tired of being the one who is expected to fix everybody elses problems, and then when I can't I'm not being a good friend.
To those of you who fall into this category of people who don't think I'm a good friend to you, fuck off.
This is a general discussion and is directed at no one in particular. I'm sorry, I try not to be rude like that often. But the simple fact of the matter is that maybe you don't see how much I do for you, how often I stand up for you, how many times I've been there for you. If these things are being thrown by the wayside in your mind, why should I bother trying to be a good friend to you anymore? I obviously never will stand up to your unattainable expectations you have set for a good friend, so there's no point right?
WRONG.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. Once you have me as a friend, you have a friend for life. So go ahead, take me for granted, walk all over me, insult me and treat me like shit.
I'LL STILL BE THERE IF YOU NEED ME.
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| Wednesday, September 15th, 2004
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12:18 am - Grrrrrr.
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Just found out that T-ran is not moving in. We are back to four roomates. And just when I thought things were going to get easier.
I'm sick, too, so that doesn't help.
If anyone wants to see it, I'm doing my stripper Trixie on Friday night at Rocky Horror.
current mood: crappy
current music: Aliens
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| Wednesday, September 8th, 2004
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11:25 pm - The fatty fat fat has awakened
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I'm in love.
It's a wonderful, beautiful thing, it's as great as everyone says. You have someone who adores you and wants to be with you as much as you adore and want to be with them. You share hopes, dreams, and your lives. Love sure is grand. But, like everything else in life, there is a downside.
You get fat.
At least, that's how it worked for me. I was a small size eight before I fell in love with Brent. However, in the five months that we've been engaged, I have gained thirty pounds.
This can be attributed to a lot of things, like the strange fourth semester eating habits I aquired, the stress of trying to manage a four person household, hold down a job, do a show and audition audition audition, but mainly because it's aproven fact that women in love are more comfortable with themselves and their appearances that they don't watch what they eat as closely as women who aren't in love.
So, I gained weight.
Big deal, right? Wrong. This is what happens when you spend the weekend with my mother.
I love my mom. She is the best friend I ever could have. But there are two things my mom has that she wished I'd never get. Her depression and her eating habits.
Unfortunately, I got both in spades.
So, what do I do when I'm depressed. I eat.
After hearing all weekend that I'm chubby, pleasingly plump, and getting too big to wear short shorts, and then not fitting into my mom's wedding dress and hearing that she couldn't believe I was bigger than she was at my age, well, needkess to say the diet started today.
I'm overworked, overtired, and underfed on my 1,000 calorie diet. But at least I'm eating and keeping it down. And I should start losing weight soon.
I hope.
current mood: discontent
current music: Futurama theme
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| Thursday, September 2nd, 2004
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8:09 pm - bored bored bored...
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I'm bored.
Kitty is feeling better, and therefore getting into EVERYTHING! I love her lots and lots.
Job is going okay, we go back to off season hours soon.
I'm bored
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